Chinatown Awesome, though Maybe Not Quite Chinese Enough

No trip to an historically rich coastal or railway town would be worth it’s weight in fortune cookies, were it not for a quick visit to that town’s Chinatown. San Francisco’s got a pretty good one, I guess, and I’d really dig it if wasn’t for all the white people and rampant speaking of English.

We’ve been to the Chinatown in Vancouver, British Columbia, as well as to several Chinatowns in the People’s Republic of China, not the least of which was Shanghai. I tell you though, when it comes to Chinatowns, those Chinese just can’t be beat. They’ve got the authenticity factor down to a science, and I mean a science like Calgon Water Softner, which we can all agree is the quintessential “ancient Chinese secret”… Too dated a reference? Sorry, I didn’t get it either, Daddy-O insisted I include it.

What I loved most about the true Chinatowns, those located inside of China, was that I was so ridiculously, unprecedentedly white that I was ten times the spectacle I usually am. Oh, I’m a walking freak show, make no mistake about that, but in China I was a special sort of exhibit. They’ve seen their share of ghastly white folk, but the white baby? I was like an albino ocelot, who the heck has ever seen such a thing? Certainly not them, and it served me like a 90mph overhand from Miss Chenandeler Bong herself… too obscure again? Sorry, Daddy-O keeps throwing these in, I can’t stop him, believe me, I’ve tried.

I’ve always loved the vibrant colors, the bustle, the exciting sights and sounds, but more than any of it all I loved how very, very not Chinese I was. For one thing, they took all my nonsensical ramblings as a language they couldn’t fathom, and that was great. These American Chinatowns don’t afford me such a luxury, these people know I’m just jabbering at the maw without reason, despite all the rhyme.

Sure, they’ve got kitsch and garbage on tap like anywhere, though by “on tap” I mean on tables, but here being white doesn’t do me any good. Half the people in American Chinatowns are white, what’s all that about?

If you’re going to San Francisco, you owe it to yourself to check out their Chinatown. I’m told that outside of New York, it’s the very best the continent has to offer. But if we can be serious for a minute, I’d say you’d better serve yourself to just leave the continent and check out a real Chinatown. My best advice would be to start in, oh, I don’t know, maybe China. What can I say, they invented the whole Chinatown phenomena, they pretty much run it better than anybody.

Frisco’s is well and good, plenty big and much, much safer than the rundown rat hole in Vancouver. Unlike Vancouver, this one is actually inhabited by the Chinese who make it so much fun.

Oh, and if you’re here, don’t forget to look around. That’s the only way to see what you might otherwise miss. I know it sounds a bit obvious, but at least two in our party of five forgot to do it, and they missed the whole experience. Bummer for them, no?