Golden Gate Park Is Tons of Fun, Even Outside the Bridge Area

In San Francisco, we hit up the local park and took in as many of the visible sights available as humanly possible, but I’ve got a beef on my plate, a thorn in my side, a bone to pick and a chip on my shoulder I need to divest. I expected a golden gate, both for prettiness and truth in advertising, but I was let down. Smack it up, flip it, paint it with latex if you like, but this thing is made out of steel.

I can admit that I’m ignorant, a newbie completely childish in my reports, assessments and reviews. It’s no discredit to me, I’m a child and I know it. I embrace it, really. It’s a great thing for me. I don’t worry about bills, bobs or hairies, I just do my thing and everything works out. But come on, a wrought iron gate beside a sign that says “Golden Gate”? Even I know better than that.

No discredit to the park. We’ve seen just about everything worth seeing in San Francisco (sorry if we missed your personal favorite) and this place stacks up like a tippy tall tower of blocks. You could spend two or three days in Golden Gate Park and still not see all that it has to offer, but if you want my fullest and most whole-hearted endorsement (bearing in mind that my heart is still smaller than an average, full-grown man’s) you’ll need to step up your honesty factor a smidgeon or more.

Now I know that the average city suffers at the hands of vandals and hooligans alike made up of the sorts of older, silly kids who degrade and devalue anything they can’t steal, but that doesn’t settle the matter for me. I can understand that you don’t want to build your gates out of solid gold, you might rightly suspect that local kids are going to swoop in and steal it. Whatever, I guess; I mean I would have stolen chunks of your gate too, but that’s not the point.

Consider this the beginning of my petition campaign to change the name of the place to Steel Gated Park. I know it doesn’t have the same ring, but the only rings adults wear are gold, so think about that if you will.

Golden Gate Park is open HOURS, with information available online at URL. It is conveniently located if you have a car adjacent to downtown San Francisco — just ask anybody, they’ll tell you how to get there — and mass transit can bring you here as well. Enjoy your time in the park, but don’t plan on stealing pieces of the gate, because if that thing is golden, I’m made out of quicksilver and asbestos all wrapped up in fiberglass insulation, which I’m not.

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